Level 1?

Rungeek is now a Level 1 Crossfit dork. Dude, I'm like, level 18. You have a long way to go to even carry Mattor's massive jock.

Monkey Minions

Rise, rise up my monkey minions and claim the Earth as your own.

Xenophilia

So, Rungeek thinks District 9 will be a good movie. Sorry, any movie that moralizes over whether you should take advantage of scum bag aliens will be disappointing (and we already had that anyway). I have exterminated the last 5 aliens races I came across and it brought us:

• microchips
• velcro
• teflon
• zip lock bags
  
• nova missiles (well, I'm not giving that one away)
• salsa
  

So, we're all in this together (unless you're ready to give up salsa in zip lock bags).

Will Read Crazy Emails

I was going to make fun of this post over at Will's blog, but damn those emails are funny. I really like the bit about chasing around puppies while banging pots together.

One of these days, Alice...to the moon

Rungeek still doesn't get it...it's a sound stage, man, a sound stage.

Mongolian Death Worms

I keep a couple of these around as pets.

I feed them puppies.

They actually don't make good pets.

Chinese Noodles in Barbados

You know what the hardest part of ragging on The Nude Hypo is? Having to wade through those marathon posts. Why can't you be concise like Will? He can barely break 20 words. Ok. Chinese characters. Another scintillating topic...as soon as I rip myself away from reading mommy blogs I'll start the rag-fest.

Ok, I'm back.

First off, you're not allowed to buy an iPhone. We all voted and feel that it would make all of us iPhone owners less cool if you joined the club. Why don't you by a Pre instead?

Next, DeFrancis was crazy. The dude ate paste.

Next, who would even want to spell Barbados....except for pirates, but all the pirates were killed by ninjas (suck it Rungeek), so no one wants to spell Barbados.

And finally, if you are going to use words like morphemes and phrases like semantic disambiguation, then you should really link to a dictionary.

Math Poetry

How very sad over at Rungeek. A math poem...a math love poem...about the square root of three?

No wonder you can't get a date.

By the way 1.7321 * 1.7321 = 3.00017041. Meter is no excuse for low precision!

Will Use Pyramid (to take over world)

Over at Will's blog we see that Steelcase has finally abandoned their temporary occupation of my ultimate lair of evil. You see, I mind-controlled them into building my Pyramid of Doom (how else do you explain what they built?).

However, I'm ready to move in...so I caused the recession so that they would have to move.

Money Off

Made of puppies.

All in the Context

So, Rungeek is harassing my man Brian...think I'll share this little tidbit with you:

"A rat came in my mouth...then I swallowed it."
-- Bernie Perez - Talking about rats

If you can't even manage a Beer Mile then get off the court (really, couldn't arrange a time!, how sad).

PS: You forgot the question mark.

20th Post!

20th Post. gimme my award. kill puppies.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20.

20, 20, 20.

2*10, 4*5, 20*1, 6*4 - 4, and so on.

Kill Hiccups Dead Forever

Can't believe it. Had hiccups from thinking good thoughts...happens every time. Usually, I use my evil powers to quell the hiccups, but it wasn't working this time. Even evil isn't absolute. I knew I should have pushed that old woman into traffic. Suffered for 1.5 hours....suffering is good and I enjoyed it, but it got boring and was interrupting my watching Spike TV. So, went on the Internet (I invented it afterall) and found this. Did the 30 sec. cure and it worked on the 1st try. Amazing.

Commercial Riff # 2

Extenze will make your life soooo much better. Video games are like the real thing. Toyota is happy to have you crush old cars. They'll give you money or something. Fuel efficiency is in! Sponsor your car to have sick graphics on the side and show that you're a pathetic sell-out. Why not just sell crack. Spike TV is sooo cool: 1000 ways to die is my favorite show...back to Manswers. Hops make breasts grow...unfortunately I'm thinking this is in both men and women. Sigh.

Best Singer Ever!

OMG. Did you know that 10-cents of every dollar spent on her music goes to killing puppies? Her voice is the beauty of siren songs of the apocalypse.

When I'm done taking over the world, I'll put loud speakers on every corner with her entire works looped endlessly, like the abyss.

I will execute all other singers and musicians. Only her's will be the true enlightenment.

Would You Like Fries with That?

Palm Pre for $99 at Best Buy. Pshaw. I'll get a Pre when they are giving them away with every purchase of an iPhone. Palm is dead...it's a zombie business. It's being kept alive by greedy execs and clueless shareholders.

Will Eat Sandwich

Over at Will's Blog we find a Rubik's Cube of deli meat. I made one out of puppies once. And my 1X1 cube beats your 2X2 cube any day!!!

Will Get a Life

Saturday night, in Los Angeles, at 7pm...and Will is blogging. Sad. Very sad. What I am doing posting? I'm evil, remember.

Mail Fail

I told those bastards. Losing my momma's cookies sent in the mail would earn my wrath!!! So, I invented email...and the Internet. Just to put USPS out o' biz. HA!

My Latest Zombie Dream

Freaking fast-movers (unfair!) chasing me around a blacktop. For some unknown reason I keep running in circles, occasionally blasting one with a handgun I happen to have. The chasing group gets bigger and bigger and my circles tighter and tighter. Finally, I off myself with my last bullet. I don't remember ever actually dying in one of my dreams. Zombies give me the creeps.

Hmmmm, I wonder...undead kittens.

Jupiter Says What?

So, everyone is wondering what hit Jupiter.

I hit fraking Jupiter with a Norris-style roundhouse!!!

Suck it, Jupiter.

Will Eat Paste

Over at Will's Bog, Will seems excited about a good deal on buns made of paste. You think he would have grown out of that by now. Poor Will, when he was a kid he was the one sitting in the corner eating paste and sticking Kimchi up his nose.

Cupcakes

Just finished baking a batch of cupcakes. Not evil enough for you? Well, they were gluten free. HA! And you're not getting any.

HA, HA, HA, HA.

Tempurpedic

Metal springs cause stress points and bother your partner when you get out of bed. The ultimate in comfort is Tempurpedic. While you're at it, buy Enzyte, the true natural enhancement. Get wood now! It's powerful and strong. Women dig it. Try a sample now. Toll free number. Call now and get topical rush. Shipped in 48 hours. 1 per household. Avon will make you 5 years younger. Ultimate skin care challenge. Moisture levels way up. Money back guarantee. Cheaper rooms on Hotwire.com, so that you get lower prices in San Fran. Travel now. Car rentals too. Back to Sex in the City now.

Programming -- Part 1

What is the difference between a good programmer and a bad one?

Hmmmmmm.

All software suks. The shorter, smaller the program, more limited the functionality...the better. If your code is over N lines of code (N = zero), your program suks. Except for mine. My programs are beautiful. Shining cities on a hill. My code eats yours and craps better code than you can ever produce no matter how many Jolts you drink.

a = 1;
a = 2;
if (a == a) then my_code_rules = true; you_suk = true; false=true; beer = true; true=true=ture=teur=teru=bored now.

Dylan

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And don't consume partially hydrogenating vegetable oil.
Go for the fully hydrogenated stuff...or you're a panzy.

Will be Concise

Over at Will's blog of bloginess, we see that Apple is kicking the shit out of all who might even think of opposing them. My first Apple was an LCIII. My first experience with Apple was an Apple II. I worked at Computerland and was there when we tried to sell the Apple Lisa. For God's sake, doesn't anyone else see that Steve Jobs must be either Jesus or Satan? I bow down to Mac goodness with my pair of bitchin' ass MacPros at work where I write the most badass programs known in the universe.

Did I mention I'm watching Independence Day right now? Best movie evar! Will Smith is the best actor of our time. Just ask him. Sad is the fact that googling "independence day" will rank the stupid movie above the greatest day of our nation's history. I mean your nation, Earthlings!

Well, Sex in the City is on....gotta go. Crap, it's the episode with David Dukakis.

More beer.

Typography Freak

Okay, so the latest post over at the nude hypo is about fonts. I think the length of null's posts got him banned from Twitter for life. The post rambles on and on, without pause, whining incessantly about serifs and backwards fonts. Dude, the sign suks hard, but really, it's a car dealership. Of course, considering you hit on a shop girl by telling her that her signage was bunching your panties, I'm not surprised you have an issue with "upside down" C's.

Take a Prozac and write a new post for crap's sake!!!

Soprano's

For those of you too panzy to swear for yourself, my man Will latest blog entry will allow you to grow some. Come to think of it, I've never heard Will swear...ever. He's got to spend less time hanging with those choir boys in biz school and more time with us computer programmers (we make sailors blush for crap's sake).

Beer Mile

Beer mile!?!?!?! Beer mile. What kind of panzy-ass stunt is a beer mile? I mock your beer mile and the mangy Clydesdale team that drags your sorry ass around the track. I'm on my 10th Guinness and I could run a marathon. Well, I could at least watch a marathon. Damn. Watching running is only a little less fun than actually running. Hell, I'd rather watch golf.

I noticed you didn't specify a time, nor did you mention you have $$ on the line. Am I supposed to camp out at Mira Costa all day just in the hopes of watching you spew? Give me a time and I'll bring a Dixie Cup for you. Money on the line? If you were a real MAN you would have bet your soul. I'll put my dirty sneakers up against your soul for the beer run (although I think you're getting the better end of that bet). I hope these words echo in your head as you're rounding that last turn on the last lap, beer sloshing in your gut like a clump of putrid parasitic worms. Consider yourself well mocked.

Well, good luck anyway.

FIRST

So, I finally figured out what to blog about...at least for the most part. I always wondered what the hell I could write about consistently beside from cute pictures of kittens and service-oriented architecture. There was nothing I found motivating enough to actually consistently (and evilly) write some piece of random tripe. Finally, I have found how to be evil, consistently. I'm going to metablog my colleagues' blog, starting with that running freak that you can find over at http://blog.rungeek.com. I will no doubt mock him so much that he will cry, but I will laugh. LOL. Let the verbal evisceration commence with utmost evil evilness.